Confessions of a Commoner

A Stickynote

2010-12-02T04:40:00.000-08:00

People can be quite cold sometimes. One minute they're all warm and fuzzy, the next they act like you don't matter. Just like that they could bring you down. The kinda thing that makes you feel like you should only exist when it's convenient. 25, with issues, I know. But nevermind that, I'm always grateful for the jagged path He had planned for me anyways. And for all the people that He had chosen to shape me. The good and the not so good.

My auntie once wrote an entry on her blog, on how she would bestow upon her 15 year old self her own words of wisdom if she'd been given the chance to do so. I, on the other hand would probably just let my younger self be. I guess I learn the best the hard way, so to speak. My younger self wouldn't have appreciated the gift of foresight, for the outcome will always somehow be expected. Unpredicted heartbreaks, sorrows, and all those feelings that make you feel like it's the end of the world. Now they're your recipe for strength.

Given an option, hardly anyone would take the road less travelled. This is our nature, we'll fear the things we haven't fathomed. For all you readers out there, I say jump. You'll fall, and you'll hit the ground hard, and you'll feel like hell. But guess what, the next time it won't hurt so bad. Worse things are bound to happen, it's only wise to coarsen up. Thank God I did.

I am not going to give a word of advise to my past self. With the gift of hindsight, I am going to remind my present self instead.

Always remember, to keep your chin up, whenever things don't turn out the way you had hoped. You will one day triumph if you stay strong.

Always remember, to have courage to make mistakes and move forward. Fortune will always favour the brave.

Always remember, to be true to yourself no matter what the world might do to you. The world will shift, but you will only be stagnant if you move along with it.

And most importantly, always remember to trust in Him. It's no fairytale, but He definitely has a plan for you.

September 19th, 2009

2010-11-17T04:11:00.000-08:00

Hey, it's me. I'm writing this to you so that you know what has been on my mind. You were asking me why I was quiet just now. Maybe I'm no good with verbally saying things, but I'm going to try to say it here.

The first time I saw you, the night we all had dinner, I honestly thought that I would never be good enough for someone like you. You were close to perfect. Decent, clever, mild mannered, and all things nice. And I'm flawed with God knows what. I did not plan to continue messaging you cause' I thought it just wouldn't work. But somehow we managed to continue getting to know each other. I loved all the little conversations we had. I found you very adorable and funny. Weird too, but in a good way. You're different,something about you triggered my attention.

I saw hope in you. Hope for me to be someone better, cause' you inspire me to do good. This doesn't mean that I'm not good in essence, like you said. But like I've said before, I'm trying to be a better person, and you made the mountain seem like a molehill. I adore what you do, I adore the strentgh you have in you, and I adore you. I know most of the time you think I'm just sweet talking, but that's all for you to decide. I know I mean every single word.

I know we've only gotten to know each other quite recently. I don't know any other way to say this without sounding like any other bastard who's said this to you before, but I want you to know that you mean a lot to me. And eventhough I know for a fact that you couldn't even be bothered if I'm not around tomorrow, I sincerely care about you. I'm not going to sugarcoat things cause' I know I don't have a lot to offer. Sometimes I just wish you'd have a little faith in me. It really stings when you yourself start to believe that you're not good enough for someone that matters to you.

I'm really sorry if I crossed the line with the showing of affection just now. I was just drawn to you. And I don't know when I could see you or be that way with you again. I've been thinking, it's not right for me to put you in a position where you're forced to do something.The truth is I don't even know what I mean to you. And sometimes I don't feel you even care. It's true that everything I've done for you was sincere, so please don't ever feel obliged or sorry for me.

It's been a very long time since I've cared for anyone the way I do for you. I like being with you cause' it makes me feel complete, purposeful, meaningful if you may. For a change I'd like to matter to someone too. But it shouldn't be that way unless you really mean it. I told you I don't want your pity. If you like me, I want it to be sincere. If you want me around, I want you to sincerely tell me that you want me. All I'm asking is for you to have a little bit of faith in me, bet on me as I've bet on you. I know that means you could get hurt, but just so you know, you're worth getting hurt a thousand times to me.

I'm not sure if I should disturb you for the timebeing. Who knows you might want some distance. I know you've got plenty of guys disturbing you already, all expecting your attention. And I know you'd feel smothered. So if you ever need me you know where to find me alright? Please know that I appreciate every moment that I've spent with you, and they do mean a lot.

Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf zahir dan batin. Smile always... =)

The Unposted Letter IV

2009-11-08T11:56:00.000-08:00

Dear I,

Hye, from the other side of the world. I hope things are well with you, with your studies and all. I'm proud that you're making the best out of your life. I know our paths were meant to diverge came that time. No matter what may have happened in the past, know that I'm happy seeing you happy over there. You deserve it all.

I was going through my friendster account, wanted to see all the ancient messages in the inbox that I haven't deleted. And among them I came across the conversations we had when you went to Indonesia to visit your family. Suddenly I found my mind jogging five years back when it all started. You and I would never have come across each other's path if it were not for our special "padang". For that, I'll always have a soft spot for that place. Do you remember how I used to teach you how to kick a ball? Left leg parallel, kicking leg 90 degrees to the ball? LOL. Those were the times. It was us, and the neighbourhood kids, though many of them are no longer around.

You might not have known this, but I've always thought highly of you. There may be times when I lacked the emotions to show it all, but I was always proud to be with you. Despite your young age, you were one of the most mature and intelligent person I've ever met. But most importantly, you sincerely cared, for me and my family. I'm sure you know how much my mum loved you, and how she had always thought of you as her own. You were as fantastic as anyone can get when it came to my siblings. I'm sure of that cause' they adored you. I hope you know that I was as fond of Louay, Cza-cza and Shah. They were the most adorable.

A year and a half have brought a plenty of wonderful memories. We went through cycles of ups and downs together. The lepaking at mamak to watch football, the "tuition from hell" at your place (haha!), the birthday you planned, the valentine's we spent together. They were among the best times of my life. I know I've done a lot of mistakes throughout, deep inside I have always regretted for not being your best. A lot of times I acted like a child, I refused to understand the situations you were in. But you were as patient as can be, and I thank you for that. I wish I could have at least been more understanding towards your needs, and I wish I could've been around when you needed me too.

I hope you can forgive me for my imperfections, for being the intolerant one most of the time. You needed somebody to guide you in times of distress, but I didn't always give the best of guidance. I know I should've let you go and be happy for you when you decided to leave, but my pride held me back. I'm sorry for all the the times I didn't treat you like a princess, you deserved a million times better. I pray that you're always well and successful wherever your feet may take you in the future. We may come from families with different values and backgrounds, but I hope you stay rooted, and always make the best out of everything regardless of the outcome. Signing off from the other side of the world, take care of yourself.

Love,

Irfan

First Finals

2009-11-01T11:02:00.000-08:00

First finals for master's are just around the corner. By now I should feel like a veteran when it comes to exams. But I guess it's just one of those things that you'll never feel like you're prepared enough for. I think I might have to stretch the envelope further, and try to go beyond mediocrity. Maybe master's is my ticket to redemption, after falling from grace. Lol.

Thank God all the projects and presentations are over with, a little less burden off of my chest. I hope I'll do well this time. To prove my self-worth, most importantly, to myself. Quite a lot to study, in quite little time. Applied Heat Transfer, Applied Mechanics, Applied Thermodynamics, Computational Mathematics... Even the subject names sound like tongue-twisters don't they? Haha...

It's funny that I only think about updating this god-forsaken blog at times like this. Probably it's a form of therapy to me, to write and take some time off of my work. I can only digest so many correlations and numbers at a time, so cut me some slack. Haha. Anyways, to not further sound like a girl and update on every little thing, I'll be going off now...

I'll try to update the blog when I'm a little less busier.

Should I?

2009-09-24T12:09:00.000-07:00

Should I have pretended to be perfect,

the way your eyes had preferred to see?

Should I have told you lies,

and let deceit lead you to me?

Should I have hidden my flaws and weaknesses,

and convince you that I'm an angel sent from above?

Should I have faked better attributes,

so maybe you would think I'm good enough?

Should I have showered you with expensive gifts,

so that I could win your utmost attention?

Should I have promised you a thousand promises,

to wipe away your apprehension?

Should I have offered you less of my concern,

so you wouldn't have doubted my sincerity?

Or should I have not considered all this in the first place,

because it would mean I would have not been me?

The Unposted Letters: Letter III

2009-09-12T03:45:00.000-07:00

Dear E,

"Sugar", that was what I used to call you. And I was your "babes". How things have changed since then. I remember the first time I saw you. That day of registration in college. I was so mesmerized that I had to tell my friend D about you straight away. But I have to be honest, I really thought you were malay. Lol! Getting myself introduced to you was a nightmare. We were all exchanging phone numbers, but when it came to you it became awkward. I, became awkward. Lol! Do you remember the first time I texted you, but then I said it was mistakenly sent? I lied...

I was fortunate enough to be given the chance to get to know you, even when I had to go off from that place. When that two weeks ended, I had to face reality and return to earth. But I thanked God that you were still there, still around. Six months I was practically on your tail, head over heels for you, and I never regretted any moment of it. Really, I never felt that way with anyone before. And because of that I acted like a goofball, I did everything against the book. But still you treated me nice, like I really mattered. We were from two different worlds, but I guess love held us together. Friendship grew into something more wonderful, and whatever we ever shared was beautiful. I treasured everything, from coming to Titiwangsa and BSC to just see you, to the valentine's day card u made, which I still have with me.

I guess it was written that one day I was going to be the jerk who left you. The jerk who broke your heart. All along I've told myself that the reason I did that, was because I was devastated, when you told me that you were going to study abroad. And because you made it clear that there was no future for us, seeing that there was this huge barrier, concerning your parents and all. But I was wrong to have hurt you like that. Those were just stupid reasons made by a fool. I wish I could turn back time, to right my every wrong. I know we were not meant to last, but I still wish I did not hurt you the way I did.

A lot of things have changed since then. I'm happy that we've become good friends, and that you've forgotten the past. I could never ask for anything more. You were always the bigger person, I know I don't deserve the friendship that you've offered me after all the terrible things that I've done. I just want you to know that if you ever need anything, I'll be around. I could only wish to be half as great of a friend that you've been to me all this while. And I want you to know, that I'm always very sorry for all my wrongs towards you, for the times I acted like an idiot, and for the times I wasn't the guy you deserved. I hope you have a great future ahead of you, and I hope God will bless that beautiful soul of yours always.

Love,
Irfan

The Unposted Letters: Letter II

2009-09-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

Dear S,

I'm aware that you're becoming a lecturer, and I find it very inspiring that you're dedicating your life to such a noble duty. I hope everything's well, with your family and Mr. N. Maybe I wasn't so enthusiastic about the idea of him at first, but I guess nobody's perfect. The important thing is that you know he loves you, and that he will treat you no lesser than you what you deserve.

I was reminded of how our story started. Back in the place called the "Illuminated Bridge". Never had it occured in my mind that I would fall for you. Well, maybe it did, sort of. I just knew that I wanted to be around you, cause' it made me feel alive, and full of purpose everytime I was around you. And then we started to hang out more often, and one thing led to another.

I'm always thankful to have shared that part of my life with you. I think we've thought each other a lot. I know I wasn't the best of companion, and I know I did a lot of mistakes. We were two very different people, but somehow we connected really well. My only regret was that I sometimes tried to change the person that you were, when in fact I was the one who was flawed. In the end I saw what I was doing, and I decided that it shouldn't be that way. So I left, selfishly, without an explanation.

Somehow we managed to reconnect some few odd years back, and once again that bond magically reestablished. Though this time we became the closest of friends. I had such a blast when it lasted, cause' it felt like I could tell you anything. And we knew each other so well. Maybe it was fated that it had to end as well, someway or the other. I know we both didn't plan that, but under the circumstances, I understand that you made the best choice.

I would write you a thousand letters of apologies for my immature behaviour, when we were more than friends, and also when we were the closest of. Yet I think it would still not suffice. But I am truly sorry, for every time I broke your heart, for every time I said something to hurt you, for every time I didn't pay attention to what you felt, and for every time I made you feel like you were not perfect. I know now that I was wrong.

Whatever you do, and wherever your life will take you, I hope you're always well taken care of. And I wish you the most blissful of life ahead.

Love,
Irfan

The Unposted Letters: Letter I

2009-08-13T00:10:00.000-07:00

Dear H,

I had meant to write this for ages. But I've never managed to find the courage to. I had come across a letter that you once wrote to me, and it saddens me to think how it must've hurt you. When I selfishly mistreated you, and when I wasn't always there when you needed me. I know things have changed now, and I know we're all good with each other. Despite the fact that everyone from back then has been on different paths. But it still doesn't mean that I'm not sorry for not being perfect, the way you had deserved.

Do you remember, way back then when were were in high school? I never thought I'd end up with someone like you. The perfect opposite. Plus, it was all so sudden that we became close. I had competitions back then, so I naturally would've shied away, if you weren't so brave as to make it happen. What I felt with you was something all so new, and I had never experienced it with anyone before. You taught me a lot about about love, despite what everyone else thinks. I know now that you really cared. We were always fighting about every tiny bit of thing, but I realized that maybe in your own way you were trying to show that it mattered to you, that you cared.

We weren't together for long, but I treasured the moments I've had with you. I know I was the one who bailed out. Not because of the fights, but maybe I grew scared that things were becoming too serious too early. I was only a boy, not half as matured as you were. Forgive me, for the times I haven't been there to catch you when you fell. And for not being sensitive to your needs. I hope this letter finds you well, and I wish you the best for the time ahead of you.

Love,
Irfan

Kota Kinabalu Trip

2009-06-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

I've at least had the opportunity to spoil myself with a vacation to Kota Kinabalu about two weeks back. Finally managed to drag one of my closest friends, Mr. Zayd, the ever so busy chambering student along. The trip was originally meant to include Cik Dian, but slight difficulty with her parents resulted in just the two of us. Just the two of us, building castles in the sky... God, how queer does that sound. Haha. So yea, plane tickets, skybus tickets, hotel room... all booked prior to the trip, and we were off to paint KK red... So I thought.

So here's my trip report:

Day 1

I arrived at the Jelatek Putra LRT station at 7 a.m., carrying a heavy orange luggage bag that my mum loaned me, and a light backpack that has served me all throughout Form 6. There weren't that many people around, so I was temporarily happy, until the next train came. Macam ikan sardin! I was supposed to meet Zayd on the platform, but he was a bit late. So I jumped onto the train, might as well I thought.

I met Zayd at KL Sentral and we took the next skybus to LCCT. An hour of an unforgiving bumpy ride, with loud squeeking noises coming from the failing absorbers later, we arrived at the LCCT. Zayd had this perplexed look on his face when I was boarding off the bus. Moments later I had the same look on mine. Dude, where's our bags!!! From where we were standing the luggage compartment looked empty, all the passengers had collected their bags. We stood like idiots for a couple of minutes, only to realize that there was an elevated compartment hidden from our view. Haha, bagus la tu! Belum apa-apa dah kelam-kabut... We laughed our asses off, what a fantastic start.

So we went for breakfast, then collected our boarding passes and waited for the plane. An hour of boredom passed, and we were finally beginning our journey across the South China Sea towards Borneo. Mind you, that was the first flying experience I've had in many years, so I came up with all the random crap to entertain myself. Playing with the reclinable seat, playing with the foldable table, you name it... I forgot how boring it was. No hot stewardess, maybe that's why... Haha.

The plane touched down and we were in KK! It was like I was in a different country. Most of the people looked chinese, and the way they spoke, different. In a charming manner. We had lunch in the airport itself, then took a cab straight to the Promenade hotel, which was right smack in the city centre. We got into our room and rested for a bit. Before we knew it, we were exploring KK inside out. Api-Api Centre, Plaza Warisan, Centre Point, all done in one evening. Had a sumptuous dinner at a Thai joint called TamNak Thai in Api-Api Centre, as recommended by Zayd's local friend. Then we went back to the room to get some sleep. Early day the next day.

Day 2

Woke up at 6.30 a.m., the sun was already up. Took our baths, packed some clothes in my backpack and went to the mamak to have our breakfasts. Yea, they have that over there too. Haha. Then we were off to Jesselton Point, the jetty where we took our boat ride to Manukan Island. Cost us about RM17 per person to and fro. The journey to Manukan took us roughly 20 minutes.

We were pretty excited looking at the crystal clear blue water when we arrived, swimming fishes visible underneath the surface. So the first thing we did was to park ourselves at the beach, and put on some sunblock. It would've burned us if we didn't, the sun already high up. Then we geared up the snorkeling equipments and straight away swam aimlessly. Me at one end, and Zayd at the other, following schools of funny looking fishes that eventually became too friendly and bit us... Haha.

At noon we were pretty much tired already. So we decided to take a break and help ourselves with some mouthwatering lunch. Two freakin' huge burgers and two black coffees from the beach restaurant. Enough said. Dua-dua terlentang! Ooooh, and the waitresses were cun! Even more a reason to laze around longer over there. Haha. They all had this chinese, plus native, plus malay look. I was like wowwie!

After lunch we decided to explore the other side of the beach. I thought it was even more beautiful than earlier. So I figured might as well snorkel some more, what else was there to do anyhow. The fishes were different there, somewhat more colourful. I even saw sea cucumbers on the floor. But they didn't stop biting one bit, so I quit after a while. They freak me out now. Haha. Later in the evening we chilled at yet another side of the island. That side they had huge rocks near the bank. So we dried our wet clothes on the hot rocks and took some funny pictures there. Before we knew it, it was already 4 p.m., and we were leaving Manukan with heavy hearts.

Back in the city, we strolled along the coast and through more malls. Thought that we could reach the hotel on foot, but soon gave up as we were too tired. So we took a cab from halfway. We went to the same place to have dinner after cleaning up a bit. After dinner it was massage session at a place somewhere nearby, and we went back for some good night's sleep right after.

Day 3

Woke up a bit later than the day before, at about 7 a.m.. We were supposed to get up earlier, cause' that day we were going to leave for Kinabalu Park in a tour van that was scheduled at 7.30 a.m.. But we managed to get ready in time, thankfully. So yea, the tour guide, Mohamad came right on time and we were off heading towards the direction of Mount Kinabalu.

The winding road lasted for more than an hour, but somehow I felt fine. Maybe because the view was magnificent. The summit of Mount Kinabalu was hiding behind the veil of white clouds, it was gorgeous. We stopped at the Nabalu Market for breakfast, and bought some souvenirs for families and friends at the market, which was designed to be a long house. After that the journey continued.

We passed the entrance of the Kinabalu Park, but Mohamad suggested that we head for the Poring Hot Springs first, since it would soon be crowded. So that was another forty minutes of winding road to cover. We finally arrived, and the first thing we did was to go for the Canopy Walk. Had to climb up hill for about twenty minutes to get to the starting point, which proved to be quite an exhausting task for unfit people like us. Haha. The experience of crossing the five canopy bridges was quite daunting, but it was a good one nontheless.

After Canopy Walk we headed towards one of the small waterfalls, which was another ten minutes walk from the base of the hill. We chilled at the waterfall for about thirty minutes, we didn't have much time to spare. But I managed to enjoy soaking myself with the cold water streaming down from the fall. Relaxing in the midst of the natural calming sound of water flowing. We had a look at the hot springs on our way back to the entrance, but that was it. Didn't feel like bathing in 'em. Then it was time for lunch right across the street.

Forty minutes heading towards the direction we came from, and we were back at the entrance of Kinabalu Park. The park is one of the two bases where climbers begin their difficult journey to the top of Mount Kinabalu. Even at the base it was already super cool, imagine up there. So we drove around the park, stopped at the visitors' centre and another spot to snap some pictures. We enjoyed the breath of fresh air for a change. At 4 p.m. we began our journey back to town.

That was pretty much Day 3. Didn't fancy doing much nonsense in the evening, so we settled for McDonald's and headed straight back to the room to chill. Watched some B rated movies they were showing and went to sleep.

Day 4

This time we didn't have anything in our plans, so we woke up late. That meant 8.30 a.m.. After bath we went to have roti canai at the mamak, yet again. Then we strolled along the Api-api centre towards Plaza Warisan, finally ending up the famous Filipino Market. We made a zig-zag along the maze of gazillion stalls selling souvenirs and such, mostly pearls and handicrafts. Bought some stuffs for my mum and Cik Dian, Zayd bought a batik shirt for his dad. Then we headed back to the hotel room to pack up our stuffs, it was time to check out.

Left our bags at the concierge and went for a brief lunch and coffee at Plaza Warisan. Then straight to the airport after collecting our bags. At the airport we met a tour group from Perak. They were old schoolmates celebrating their school's anniversary, a bunch of fifty and sixty year olds. So I was told that they climbed up the Mount Kinabalu for their trip. Not everybody made it to the top, which was not a surprise. But one 68 year old did! Holy motha! Tercabar aku! Not just that, a daughter of one of the participants, an 8 year old, managed to reach the peak 2nd among the climbers! That's it, I'm definitely coming back to climb that damned mountain, I said to Zayd... Haha.

We arrived at LCCT at around 7 p.m.. Took the skybus to KL Sentral and arrived there at 8 p.m., this time we knew where to look for our bags! Haha. So Cik Dian picked us up there, with her electric blue Encik Cooper S, balik dengan penuh bergaya! Had dinner after that somewhere in Ampang. We gave her the purse we bought at the Filipino Market, and the vacation was officially over...

In Need of Inspiration

2009-06-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

Forgive me, for I have left you unattended. I have not been too busy to write, nor have I been too lazy to do it. The truth is I have lacked the inspiration, since nothing significant has happened so far. Everything repeats itself every week, the mundane even much staler. I've had good times nontheless, but nothing really different to tell. Except for the short vacation I had in Kota Kinabalu recently.

I've spent almost three months dedicating myself to running errands for people, and I barely had time to do the things I had planned to, for me. So much for graduation break. I know I won't have anymore after this, but I guess for some people, we don't have all the luxury in the world. Briefing for Master's Degree is scheluded to be this Friday, and classes start on the 6th of July. Who knows, maybe I'd have something to inspire, to entice me then...

A Day In Paradise

2009-05-14T23:51:00.000-07:00

I am sitting by the beach, with my back leaning against a stout coconut tree. My feet half buried in the sand, fine white sand. The sun is on its way up, but the looming leaves of the coconut tree shield me from its rays, casting clumsy shadows all over the area. I sip on the sweet, chilled juice from the coconut fruit on my cupped palms, and a soothing sensation runs down my throat. The cool gentle wind sweeps over my face, and I could hear the sound of little waves subsiding near the shore. The vast ocean that dominates half the view in front of me is blue and crystal clear, with a tinge of light green smudges nearer to the shore. From the bird's eye view, corals can be seen like tiny spots scattered around on the seabed where it's not too deep. And the sky, the sky seems so serene. Decorated with odd shapes of puffy clouds here and there. One like a ship, one like a fish, and the others, simply a poetry made physical. I close my eyes, and savour every little bit of sensation brought forth by the incomprehensible calmness of this utopia. I thought to myself, in a place like this, time, is nothing but a myth.

I hear the sound of little kids frolicking and giggling not too far off. I open my eyes and I see my little sisters and my cousins playing by the shallow greenish blue water. Splash, and splash. Each of them wearing a happy smile on his and her face. They prance in a small circle, some singing, and some humming to the kindergarten songs that I had forgotten the words to. By the shore, my mischievous looking little brother is building sand castles, where the sand is brownish from the seawater that has managed to seep through. He too, is wearing a happy smile on his face, amused with his out-of-the-world structures. My other cousins, the grownups, are indulging in their own activities of preference. Some playing musical instruments, some playing frisbees, some playing volleyball, and some flying kites with the shapes of a cat and a butterfly. From the corner of my eye, I see a white yacht and a boat erecting from the slightly wavy blue ocean. On board the boat, my aunties cheerfully chatting with each other, sipping tea out of expensive looking chinas. On board the white yacht, my uncles tacking and jibing away like seasoned sailors. It all seems like a perfect painting put in motion.

I'm lying afloat on the surface of the crystal clear water, staring up ahead at the awkwardly beautiful sky. A couple of birds wheel in my view, and friendly looking sea creatures swim freely below me. A tropical music starts to play in my head, following the deafening silence you experience when you're underwater. And I smile. Then I see a small party of people gathered in a clearing, near the shore. Happy bunch of people, chit-chatting, feasting, playing board games, and singing merrily. Happy laughter pikes in between the mix of happy sounds. From afar I can make up the figure of my mum, of my dad, of my grandfather, and of even my grandma. And I smile. I take a dive and swim underneath the surface, nearer to the bed where the water is cooler, towards the shore. A school of yellow fishes, and a couple of leatherback turtles accompany me on my trip. Beautiful corals and weeds and shells on the bed pass across my view like the way a film strip used to be played before a silver screen.

I emerge on the surface of the water, cool salty seawater trickling down my body. A beautiful girl is sitting by the shore on the other side. With sassy brunette hair, adorable looking nose that curls upwards, rosy cheeks, and eyes that reflect a sense of kindness. All alone, carving something on the brown sand. She sees me, and gives a smile like she's been waiting for me all this while. A smile that weakens all my limbs. And I tremble under the coldness of the seawater that encapsulates my skin, and my heart pounds. I try to return her smile, but only so awkwardly, as I walk slowly towards her. I say hello, and she returns it with another smile. I ask her about silly little things that don't even make sense at first, just to strike a conversation, but she happily entertains my every antic nonetheless. And before I know it, we are talking and laughing and joking as if we've known each other for a long time. We sit by the beach, damp sand underneath our feet. I gaze at her beauty as I listen to her every word. Her uncharted beauty. Time didn't seem to exist earlier, but now it appears to move at a pace beyond my control. Like I wish I could stop the sun from descending so soon, and the day from ending.

It's now dusk, the tangerine sun sliced by the horizon. We stroll down the beach, towards the small party of people that I saw earlier, who are still as they were. All merry and cheerful. Our path is guided by torches aligned in a single file. When we are about to reach there, I look at her, and I tell her how beautiful she looks. She gives me a coy smile. Dad, Mum, grandma, my grandfather, my closest of friends, they are all there to greet us with the utmost joy painted on their faces. Everybody looks immensely happy, not a single worry visible through their expressions. As if years worth of burden has been lifted off their shoulders. And for that matter, everybody looks ten years younger, and twenty years healthier. So we sit together, scattered, but in a way still connected. We all chat with each other, and laugh at each others' jokes, and make fun of each other, all while feasting on delicious food. Food fit for kings. And when it's all over, the feast and the party, she and I lie side to side on the beach. We gaze at the glimmering stars in the clear sky, and our hands intertwine. And I smile.

I descend back to the real world. The whole image of my paradise, my eden, vanishes before my eyes. And I long for the calmness of that magical place. The merry people I have met. The perfect blue water, and the perfect blue sky. And I long for her. The goddess of beauty. With that dazzling smile.

Change

2009-05-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

A period of change, is always the toughest. Especially when the change is vast, and abrupt. I don't expect things to stay the same, nor do I expect them to shift from one form to another in such profound a manner. Change is hard to accept, as we grow accustomed to certain set of things. Things that have become our norms, our mundane. But nothing ever lasts, so my will will have to suffice, to learn and adapt to changes, to make the best out of scarce resources, before another wave of change sweeps over again.

I must learn. I must learn now. To embrace changes, for they teach us to appreciate the non-lasting. To embrace changes, for they groom us into wiser and stronger individuals. And to embrace changes, for one day they will reveal what is eternal.

One Random Sunday

2009-05-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

"Irfan! Let's go Zorbing!!!". When Dian (one of my closest friends these days) randomly blurts out things like that, she's nothing close to kidding. So there I was, wondering what the hell this zorbing business was all about. And then I found out. I was like "Holy crap! You're not kidding are you?". But then it occurred to me, why not do something ridiculous once in a while. Probably do me some good (de-uncle-izing myself!). So it was then set for Sunday morning... Booked online.

Sunday (D-day):

We sped towards Taman Tasik Titiwangsa in her electric blue Encik Cooper S (as I call it...), arriving at 10 a.m. for the first ride. When we first saw the Zorb ball (or orb), we were like, "Oh crap! What the hell did we get ourselves into!". With all the people watching. Makciks who were jogging. Abang-abang Rempit on their bikes. God I felt ridiculous. It was explained that there were two types of rides. One dry, and the other one wet. And thanks to my goooooood friend Ms. Dian, we went for the wet one. So harnesses we strapped on, and we squeezed ourselves into the ball that was parked on a slope. There I thought "wet" meant we get to go over the lake or something. But no, they poured water into the ball! "What the...". I was temporarily happy seeing that there wasn't much water poured in to begin with, but discovered soon enough that it was actually too much to handle!!! As we were rolling down the slope, tumbling like clothes in a washing machine, water got into our noses and we couldn't even open our eyes! Then when the ball finally came to a halt, I burst out laughing... Wahahahahaha.... It was so funny. Thinking of how ridiculous we must've looked from outside, for our audiences. We were both drenched then.

"Ok, let's go for breakfast...", I suggested. Figuring we could at least dry our clothes while taking a walk. So we lepak at the cafeteria somewhere in front of the lake. While eating breakfast I saw people on those small boats, the ones where you have to cycle them, peacefully circulating the fountain in the middle of the lake. And since it has already started as a random day, I said to Dian, "Wei! Jom naik tu, jom!". Knowing her, it was a "yes" straight away. So there we were, stomachs all full from breakfast, cycling frantically to make our way to this direction and that. But it was great, the scenery and all, reminded me of my childhood. Hehe. With great effort we managed to find ourselves back at the bay. The freakin' boat seemed to have a mind of its own, direction wise...

"Hey, what say you we go have the foot reflexology massage today?", a brilliant idea that I suggested on our way back to the car. You guessed it, we drove to Bintang Walk and parked Encik Cooper S at Star Hill. We strolled down the road, until just a tad further than BB Plaza, still half soaked from the "wet" ride. It was funny when we passed several of those reflexology massage centres, Dian seemed to have this idea in mind that we were going for those dodgy ones. Hahaha. We finally decided on a place, the one that didn't look so dodgy instead =P. Maka kami pun dilayanlah oleh tukang urut... I know, I know. Such a girly thing to do. But guess what, it was good as hell! Painful, but in a good way. Haha. So 30 minutes of that, and 10 minutes for a shoulder massage... After that it was lunch at Pavilion. And that sums up my last Sunday. Tadaaaa!

I Wonder...

2009-04-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

Only in the state of solitary have I begun to wonder, of how solemn life has turned out to be. Every step that I take, every move that I commit, would all bring about consequences. And I'm growing scared by the second. Things aren't as clear as they used to be, no, not like before. Maybe once they had all seem so clear, the time when I was able to distinguish the horizon so certainly. It might have been a delusion encouraged by a young mind, but at least it was filled with passion. Now that I've grown older, and now that everything seems to be at stake, that flame of enthusiasm has grown much, much dimmer.

It seems like everyone's counting on me, to always do the right thing. I'm suffocating in between these constraints, rarely being able to make mistakes of my own. I take pride in doing good, but at the same time a part of me has always wondered, the possibility of learning something more valuable with each wrong that I've skipped. Sometimes people praise me for what I'm not, and out of fear I tend to lead them to that idea of the ideal Irfan that they've preordained. Have I made a mistake? Have I missed out on a lot? Did my sacrifices bring some good, to others at least? I wonder...

Goodbye Uniten!

2009-04-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

'The Mechanical Properties of Hybrid (Fibre-reinforced) Composites Used In Automobile Body Shell', the title of the thesis that I am about to hand out tomorrow morning. This would be my last work as a Bachelor's Degree student of Uniten. Aaah, the day that I have dreamed about since the series of gruesome final papers started last month. Now that all the work is over and done with, I suddenly feel a bit sentimental about leaving the place. Lolz! It's time I guess, I'm going to be setting out on a new adventure soon. Sure hope it'll be an interesting one as well.

Come July I'll be able to call myself a Master's Degree student of Universiti Malaya. How intimidating does that sound yea? It's going to be either in mechanical engineering, or materials engineering, both have been accepted. Which one do you reckon? Maybe I should put up a poll and let you guys influence this feeble and indecisive mind. Haha. Whatever it is, I guess I'll have to work my butt off to do well. How else would I make it in this tough world we live in.

But for now, and the three months ahead, maybe it's time for me to gather some inspirations. I'm on a quest to engage myself in some fun and beneficial activities. To fill my time with something useful, character building sort of thing. Lolz! I'm open for suggestions, so if you guys want to drag me to some random Chinese language classes, or even Tai Chi or what or not... Let it be now! =)

The Commoner's Short Story II: I'm Sorry, Lisa...

2009-03-29T05:56:00.000-07:00

The silence in the cold, dark room was broken when my cell phone rang. Once, twice, then it ceased. The gleaming light from its screen had given me a sense of its whereabouts. "God, who could be calling me at 1.30 in the morning?", I grumbled. I checked on my cell phone out of curiosity. It read, "You have one missed call from Lisa". Annoyed by the disturbance, I shut the phone off, just to be sure, should anyone else dare to bother me again for the remainder of the night. I was already exhausted from the long day at work. The piling workload on my desk had kept me locked in my office up till about a couple of hours ago. I longed for my sleep, and so I decided to ignore the call. "I'll just call her back tomorrow or something", I half-heartedly pledged to myself. I chucked the cell phone inside the drawer of my desk and went back to bed.

The room was once again cold and dark. Accompanied by the quietness that surrounded me, and the starless sky visible through my window, the night seemed quite stagnant. The sole indication of time progression came from the clock itself, the ticking sound it made as the second hand stroked perpetually each second. I was lying on my bed, gazing upon the artificial stars that decorated my ceiling, agitated with my failed attempt to doze off. The phone call had kept me wide awake for what felt like an hour then. A tiny part of me grew curious about the possible reasons for the phone call. But knowing how random Lisa could be, she probably just called to rant on some insignificant stories about her friend's friends. She'd done that before, and it didn't surprise me one bit. Over the years of being best of friends, Lisa and I had grown to understand each other fairly deeply. So then I figured, she wouldn't mind if I call her the next day.

The next day I woke up late. It took me only a fraction of the time I usually do to get ready. I revved my classic red Miata all the way to the office, zipping in and out between lanes throughout the highway. I arrived half an hour later than usual, and I cursed the jammed alarm of my table clock for it. Little did I realize that it was actually a Saturday. And the people who'd normally show up for work on Saturdays wouldn't be around until an hour later. I only came to notice the fact when I saw the emptiness of the office. Feeling all stupid, I walked across the hall filled with unoccupied cubicles, and straight into my little office room at the far end. I rested myself on my oxford grey declinable chair, and contemplated on my plans for the day. The digital clock on the blue screen of my Dell laptop had told me that it was in fact, still early. "Maybe I should check on Lisa", I suddenly felt guilty for not calling her back last night. I tried calling her twice, but nobody answered on the the other end of the phone. " Maybe she's still sleeping", I thought at the time. I then went downstairs to the cafeteria to grab some breakfast.

It was already 6.30 in the evening, and I wasn't even half done with my clients' files that were beginning to cram my confined office space. "Great! I've dedicated half my weekend for what I unwillingly suffer every other day of the week", I said to the person who was staring back at me from the washing room mirror. Figured I needed to freshen up before I resume the marathon, nothing wakes my senses like ice cold water on my face. As I was striding back towards my room, my cell phone started to emit that annoying sound again. The caller ID showed an unfamiliar number. I picked up the call, and it was Lara, Lisa's mum. She was crying, heavily. The line wasn't clear. It was breaking up now and then, so I could hardly hear what she was saying. Her sobbing didn't help with the situation either. I could only make up a few words of what she was saying at the time. "Lisa"."My baby...". "Joe". I asked her to calm down, in a half shouting tone, as she could hardly hear what I was saying as well. Then I asked her where Lisa was. She told me, while still uttering that cry of despair.

My exhaust pipes were roaring as I stepped on the gas. Nineteen minutes was the only duration it took for me to get from my office to the hospital at the other side of the town. The old "SHMC" plaque that greeted me at the entrance of the building didn't seem quite as inviting at the time. I had a funny feeling in my stomach as I walked across the white hallway to get to the reception centre. The lady who was in charge had enlightened me on the whereabouts of Lisa, so I headed there immediately. As I arrived in front of the green door with the number "312" etched upon it, I paused for a while. I needed to get myself ready for whatever possible situation I was going to face once I walked into the room. I opened the door and saw Lisa on the bed, lying unconsciously, with bruises on her arms, and cuts on her lips and at the side of her forehead. Lara was still weeping hopelessly by her daughter's side. I stood motionless for a minute, seeing Lisa like that, it was all too much to absorb. Then I moved towards Lara and sat down beside her. I tried to calm her down. Slowly, she told me what had happened the night before.

Lisa's estranged step father, Joe, had come to their house drunk the night earlier. Joe had a bit of a problem with temper, even more amplified with his occasional problem with drinking. One of the reasons Lara and him had been living separately since a year back. That night he showed up on their doorsteps, and started kicking the door and rambling some gibberish while he was at it. Lara was still awake, so was Lisa. They were having a chat in the living room when it occurred. Lisa must've gotten a bit frightened, so she tried to call me. While she was waiting for my answer, Joe had managed to kick the door open. He had a big quarrel with Lara, so loud was all the shouting that some of the neighbours were awaken by it. He tried to drag Lara with him, to somewhere he wanted her to follow. But Lisa came in between them. Joe didn't hesitate, he grabbed Lisa by her hair violently and hit her on her face a few times. When she collapsed onto the floor he kicked her head and her stomach, relentlessly, while Lara was trying to pull him away from her daughter. Joe then realized Lisa was already unconscious from all the beatings that he heartlessly gave. He fled from the scene.

I grew very furious by the time Lara had come to the end of the story. And at the same time I was angry with myself, for refusing to be there for Lisa the night before. In a way, I felt that it was partly my fault that things had turned out this way. "Lara, just stay here with her alright? I'm going to sort out some things...", I told Lara. I budged from my seat and stormed out of the room. The next thing I know I was shifting away in my Miata towards Joe's place. Lisa had told me once where he lived. It was about quarter pass eight when I reached the brownish flat of his. I straight away climbed up the stairs to the fifth floor, since I had no intention of resorting to the sluggish elevator. The door that I kicked swung open, and Joe appeared shocked due to the sudden intrusion. I made him eat his own profanity when I threw the first jab on his face. He tried to put up a fight, but somehow in that demonic state I had outpowered him. The third blow to his temple had sent him down to the floor, leaving messy stains of red fluid all over. Even my clenched fist was smeared with the same fluid. I finally came to my senses when he begged me to stop, already cornered between the walls of his kitchen. "Don't you dare come near Lisa and her mother again! Or I swear this won't be the end of it...", I yelled at him. Then I turned away to leave.

I was awaken by the glaring rays of sunlight that had managed to penetrate through the window blinders. Lisa was lying on the hospital's bluish bed right beside me, still snugged under the blanket. I saw her open her eyes slowly. She was finally regaining her consciousness, so I thought. Moments later tears suddenly began to run down her cheeks. I sensed that she must've been in a lot of pain, all the trauma that she had to suffer. So I put my hand on hers, and I stroked her wavy hair gently. An honest gesture to show her how sorry I was for not being there when she needed me the most. She kept quiet, not a word uttered. "Maybe she just needs some time alone", I tried to convince myself. I realized that I was not in a position to bargain for her reply. "Everything's going to be fine", I promised her just before I left the room. But she ignored me altogether. I headed down, figured a walk would be good to regain my composure, after everything that had happened the night before. I was walking pass a newspaper stand down the road, when one of the newspaper's headlines caught my eye...

BEST FRIEND MURDERED BY ESTRANGED STEPFATHER

Monday, June 16th - A young girl's best friend was murdered when he tried to confront the stepfather for deliberately causing harm to her. The best friend, 25, was believed to have started the fight when he showed up on the suspect's apartment on Saturday evening, the 14th....... Evidence states that the victim was stabbed to death from behind with a kitchen knife...... Police are currently investigating on the whereabouts of the suspect.

The Commoner's Short Story: A Goodbye with a Smile

2009-03-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

It was a Saturday morning, and I was up early. I could hear the birds singing melodiously through my half opened window. The tangerine sun was just making an appearance in between those green hills, not too far away from my place. And the sky seemed unusually clear, a sign that it was going to be a sunny day ahead. As I was wiping the sleep from my eyes, still nailed to the bed, I heard a faint female voice calling my name from the other side of the door. The voice was barely audible, so I tried shutting off all of my other four senses in an attempt to affirm what I had heard. I couldn't. "That's weird", I murmured, convincing myself that it was just my imagination. I climbed off my bed and headed towards the door, just to check so that I could rest my conscience. No one was there when I opened the door.

I was lying on my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, while trying to orchestrate my plans for the day. I could come up with none. The blue sky was declaring its presence slowly, and I could feel the gush of fresh air blowing into my room. "Maybe a breezy morning walk would be good for me", I said monologously. So after a quick bath I straight away put on a plain white t-shirt and a pair of bermuda shorts. I grabbed some small change I had left on my coffee table last night, for breakfast later I thought.

I decided to go through the park that day, since it would be a shorter route to the town. The grass was still covered with dew, and the asphalt was still damped from the downpour last night. It was still early, and I could only see three people around at the time. One guy who jogged pass by me, and two old ladies who were peacefully performing their tai chi routines less than a hundred yards away. I was walking pass a huge old oak tree midway through the park when I first realized that the sky had turned slightly greyish. Dark clouds were gathering, slowly but for certain, and I could sense a storm coming. "Someone's having a moodswing", I joked. So I made quick my pace heading towards the town's coffee shop, figuring I could just retire there with my breakfast if it should rain again.

As I was walking towards the park's exit I noticed one of my shoe laces came untied. I was attending to it, half kneeling, when someone tapped my shoulder. I looked up and saw a stranger with a familiar face. She had light brown eyes, flowing auburn hair, and the kind of mellow smile that just comforts you. "Jesse, is that you?", I found myself asking her. She gave me another smile. I haven't seen her in ages, since we were kids. I remember we used to play hide and seek in this very woods every summer holiday, when she would come visit and stay at her uncle's place, a stone's throw away from where I used to live with my parents. One summer she just stopped coming around, and I never saw her again after that. So enthusiastically I asked her what she was doing there, and she said something that sounded like "came back to sort out some things". I didn't pay much attention, I was just stunned. The odds of running into her there of all places, and then of all time.

The sky was still grey, but it didn't threaten to rain somehow. So I invited Jesse to sit on the bench next to us. Maybe do some ten years worth of catching up in a few minutes. Breakfast can wait, I thought. We talked, actually I was doing most of the talking since Jesse didn't have much to say. She reluctantly answered my every question with a word or two the most, constantly avoiding to elaborate further. She was more interested to know my end of the story, like how I've been doing, whether I still live at the same place, and stuffs like that. I found it strange that she appeared hesitant whenever I tried to turn the topic around. And somehow I was puzzled with the way she looked. Even with the beautiful smile crafted on her face she couldn't hide the sorrow that was radiating from within. "Maybe she's just worried about some problems at the moment", my mind was telling me.

It was about 9.30 a.m. when the first drop of rain finally came down. Our conversation was interrupted, but Jesse said she had to go anyhow. I invited her for coffee, but she declined the offer politely, asserting the fact that she really had to go somewhere. Before I left, I asked her, "Can I see you again tomorrow?". She just gave me a smile and said her goodbye. We then went off our separate ways. I sprinted my way to the town's coffee shop for shelter. And I arrived thanking God that I was not soaked yet. A set of toasts and two cups of coffee indulged in while waiting for the rain to stop. I went back home right after.

The next morning I woke up excited with the idea that I might see Jesse again that day. I didn't have the uncle's house phone number, so I thought I'd just show up on his doorsteps and ask for Jesse. After a bath and some light grooming, I headed to her uncle's house near where I used to live. This time I brought my umbrella with me, just in case. I strolled down the road with a smile planted on my face, and a happy tune of whistling to go with. As I arrived at the vintage off-white porch of her uncle's house, I found my heart suddenly pounding in a vigorous manner. I knocked on the door three times before a man that looked like her uncle, if I remember correctly, answered with a smile. I politely asked for Jesse. Suddenly his expression changed, somewhat full of grief then.

I sat on the pavement, overwhelmed with all sorts of feelings. Shocked, sad, scared, and puzzled all at the same time. What that man said kept ringing in my ears. "I'm sorry son, she died. Nine years ago. Yesterday. They found her body in the park. She wanted to go see her friend. So she went one morning, but never came back.", the man told me while trying to hide his sorrow, but still visible through his eyes. I threw up next to the tree nearby, the feelings were too overwhelming to digest. Then I headed back home, suddenly finding tears running down my cheeks.

*story based on the essay written for my SPM paper*

Teman

2009-03-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

Hari ini kau bergelar teman,

Suka-duka dan gelak-ketawa kita bersama,

Tapi esok lusa bila diriku dalam kesusahan,

Adakah kau akan berada di sisiku untuk mengongsinya?

You know, it's really sad when you start to decipher the true natures of your friends. The ones who'd be the firsts to be there when times are good, and the lasts when times are bad. The ones who'd take advantage of you as they see fit. The ones who only think about themselves instead of being considerate towards what you have to endure. And the ones who are simply ungrateful of all the things you've done for them.

Maybe the issue has always been sincerity. It has got to be either that, or their definition of friendship is thoroughly different from mine. Sometimes I get upset when they abuse the friendship, but most of the time I'm just sad over the way things have turned out to be. But it's fine. They will always be what they are, and I will always be what I am. The friend who'll always wear a smile on his face, even when his threshold is scraped... Because on this end, it grew out of sincerity.

Be Thy Own Master

2009-03-07T07:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I keep asking myself, why do we let other people define our happiness? Shouldn't we be the judge of that? And why do we always want more, when we don't even appreciate what we already have in the first place? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I haven't been guilty of all that. I'm just trying to understand the psychological side of it, since all of my 23 years of life I've been having to succumb to this dogma created by the world around me.

Life has always been about, first and foremost, surviving. But somewhere along the way we start developing greed. Greed for power, greed for money, greed for status... You name it! Our culture tells us that all of those define happiness. And we, being the idiots that we are, believe that each and every step we take to satisfy our greed will take us a step closer to a content and meaningful life. Trust me when I say, greed is a hunger that can never be satisfied...

Maybe it's a wise idea to take a step back once in a while. God gave us the gift of hindsight for one good reason among many. To look back and to learn. Let us decorrupt our beliefs and redefine our own happiness, and our own needs to get there. Learn to appreciate the simple things in life. Say, meeting someone new... or fool around with your little siblings... or have a chat over coffee with an old friend... Those little perks which would almost likely cost nothing, are most of the time overlooked, but they are also the things that make us smile sincerely...

Sometimes the goals in life would bring us through deceiving paths. One day you're happy with what you've achieved, and the next day it never seems to be enough. To have goals is synonymous to having a purpose, like my previous post. It is what drives us. For all I know, it's a great thing to have goals. Just be mindful not to let others deprave you in such a way that it deters what your heart originally set out to achieve. Be your own master...

Was it just me...

2009-03-04T00:56:00.000-08:00

Was it just me, or was it you too,

The sky neither seems grey nor does it blue,

Now I am split into two,

To be, or not to be, into you.

Was it just me, or was it also you,

Maybe it was just me who'd seen the clues,

The smile, the glances, and the gestures too,

So was it still just me, or was it also you.

Was it just me, it probably was,

How could my offers ever measure up to hers,

The sight of her I'd probably miss,

Maybe it was just a moment, a moment of bliss.

The Commoner's Love Story: Chapter 1

2009-02-28T02:12:00.000-08:00

Grandma dropped me off in front of the barbershop. It was 7.40 p.m. in the evening, so I was definitely early for class. I made a bee line straight to Cikgu Noor's office as I had usually done if I was ever early. Figured a chat or two wouldn't hurt, since she was more like a cool auntie anyways. Mid-way through our conversation a group of girls stormed in, a bunch of juniors scheduled for the class next to us. So they waited in front of the class, seperated only by thin air from Cikgu Noor's office. They were giggling and stealing glances, while I was trying to look all cool. Mayon came in like a minute after, to my relief, since I was blushing uncontrollably, and we were all off to class. It was during English that he mentioned about this girl, a junior from school who happenned to be in the next class, who also happened to be one of them who were giggling away earlier. He said, "that girl's not bad...". I kind of figured out which one he was talking about, but I played Clint Eastwood.

Secretly I started to take notice of this girl. She was kind of pretty, looked somewhat more mature than her 2 years younger age. Every opportunity I got to come early for tuition was an opportunity taken so that I could "unintentionally" bump into her. For awhile it went on like that, until I figured I might as well just say hye to her, through my cousin that was! My cousin, Izzuan, was in the same class as her. He did a fantastic job, even got her phone number for me. So the next thing I know we started texting each other, calling now and then. It felt kind of nice, since I was new to all that. The idea of having someone into you was rather intriguing at the time. Text came after text, and call came after call. But I never really had the nerves to go out with her. It was always "concentrating on my PMR" that saved me from a real date. Didn't get to see her much at school either, since she was in the evening session. I thought a few of "I love you's" from her meant that I've sealed what we had. Boy was I ever more wrong....

I guess I must've really bored her. What kind of guy likes you but doesn't really want to go on a date with you right? Then came that day, a day that could've just easily been any other day, that she suddenly stopped answering my text. I must've thought something really bad had happened, since it got me worried. Full of anxiety, I tried calling her and texting her again and again, only to end up in disappointment. A few days later she texted me, saying that she was going out with another guy. And so my world came crumbling down, I was silenced for the whole week. From then on I tried to convince myself to stop thinking about her, and to only concentrate on my not so distant PMR. I studied hard, just to get her image out of my head. Only a great distraction could've done that. So I guess in a way she had helped me, paved me a path that I couldn't foresee. I did well for my PMR... And that was the best thing I could see came out of the mess.

Puisi Buat Mu

2009-02-24T08:47:00.000-08:00

Mungkin satu hari nanti,

Kan ku jumpa kau yang ku cari,

Intan dalam sejuta,

Tetap ku cari sampai jumpa,

Hingga tibanya hari itu,

Kan ku tabahkan hati menunggumu.

Maybe someday,

I will find the one that I've been looking for,

A diamond in a million,

Still I would find a way,

But till that day comes,

I'll wait for you, come what may.

Puisi dedicated to that one girl who'd be able to make my mum proud for bringing a cumbersome son into this world... Haha! =P

Clouds of Questions

2009-02-21T00:59:00.000-08:00

There are times when certain questions would cloud my mind. Questions that may have the simplest form of answers attached to them, yet these answers bring about the utmost level of ambiguity. In my journey across this bridge we call life, I hope someday I'll be able to understand better the many "why's" that I've always wondered about.

I believe everything has been planned by God. The sole reason of us being here is to learn why we are here. Why we are who we are, and what role do we play in the chronicle of events that He's lined up for us. "Islam" translates to "surrender". Dad once said that with better understanding of what is taught by the religion, and the purpose of life itself, your surrender to Him would be more complete. I second that...

Weekend Calamity

2009-02-15T07:47:00.000-08:00

Such a perfect time to write a new entry, since I have loads to let out! Let me just start by saying, WHAT A WEEKEND! I guess God must be testing my patience for some good reason...

Friday, after college I went back to Ampang to service the car. First problem, gearbox was leaking. It'll burn a hole in my pocket to replace the flywheel oil seal, and at times like this, I don't know when I can afford that. So ok, just let it be for now, I said to myself.

Saturday, everything was fine in the beginning. Then calm turned into panic when my college mate told me that the test machine in UPM that we were supposed to use has been booked indefinitely. Great! Another problem... Now I have to look for some other alternative in such a short span of time.

Sunday, fine. I did most of my work. Went out to grab some dinner at Jusco AU2 Setiawangsa. Car died out on me on the way back. Thought it would just take some minor twitching to get it running again. Turned out it was not to be. Had to find a nearby workshop at 8.30 p.m. Just imagine! Found one, the guy was nice enough to follow me back to where the car was parked. Tried this and that, up until 10 p.m., but unfortunately to no avail. Some sensor which would cost something like RM 350 has to be replaced, and the earliest to get the problem rectified would be tomorrow morning. Ok fine, so I dragged the car to a friend's place a couple of streets away and parked it there. Went home, realized I left something in the car. Drove back there with my mum's car to grab those stuffs and found dents and scratches on the front fender already!

Tomorrow I have a quiz at 9 a.m. and experiments to run at 10 a.m. Then I have to rush back to Ampang right after to sort out the car... One word describes the weekend perfectly. Calamity!

Embrace Yourself

2009-02-07T23:58:00.000-08:00

Look at yourself in the mirror, and tell me honestly what do you see... Are you able to see the person that you really are? The true you with no mask to veil yourself, to avoid others from finding out what you're really made of? I fail to understand why certain people refuse to grow up. Why they need to put on that mask to be accepted... Is this so called "front" you're putting on going to make you look better in the eyes of others?

Just please, learn to accept who you are... People would love you better for being you, not some phony figure. We're not kids anymore. Showing off won't make you any cooler. So quit trying so hard to be what you're not. The minute you understand and accept the honour of being "you", you'll be so much at peace. Trust me, I honestly think everybody's perfect just the way they are.

It's really ok to be an average joe. At least I'm embracing the fact that I'm one. We're not all born to be Mister or Miss Perfect. But if you really desire to get there, do it the right way. Thrive for it. The substance that you're made of is the thing that matters. Empty cans make the most noise... But they're not really what people want are they?

Uniten Grad Nite 09

2009-02-06T10:59:00.000-08:00

Grad Nite turned out to be a successful event. It was the antidote for my stressful day. Running experiments in the morning, then hitting the books for the test in the evening... What a life! It was fun to see everybody dress to kill. Some faces I couldn't even recognize at the first glance. Aaah, the wonders of makeup... =P And surprisingly the food was quite alright. Either that or I was really starving. Performances were amazing. Estranged and Estrella gave their best, even for such a petty event compared to what they're used to... Everyone seemed to enjoy that part of the night.

Well, it would only be complete if I include some of the evening's pictures ya? So here they are...

and...

yes, that's Juliana Evans!

Congratulations to the Raja & Permaisuri Sehari...

2009-01-31T08:35:00.000-08:00

Wow! I just realized that it's been 6 years since I was last able to call myself a high school student, not counting the couple of years I spent in VI of course... I just got back from an ex-schoolmates' wedding in Titiwangsa, and it felt like a big reunion! Somehow it seemed like everybody's still the same, like the day I last saw them in Melawati. A vivid flashback ran accross my mind, of how we all used to lepak together in school, gelak-ketawa dan suka-duka bersama... Sure, I unintentionally forgot some people's names, but those faces managed to reorganize the puzzle of memories that I've always had with me....

To the Bride & Groom, my kelas sebelah schoolmates Anis & Syazana.... I wish you the best for your marriage. It was nice to see it end this blissful way, having seen you grow together for so long since high school. I think you both deserve each other, and all the happiness in the world. Congratulations once again!

p/s: To the girl who was in gold, you looked lovely this evening... =)

The Holidays

2009-01-29T08:23:00.000-08:00

Holidays are defined as days of rest from work. For many of us the whole of this week would spell an opportunity for a long awaited vacation while the Chinese celebrate their New Year, for some it would mean the time when we get to do absolutely nothing... And for the rest of us, it would still mean a hefty load of work to attend to. I would be one of the fortunate ones stuck in the third category...

Frankly speaking, waking up as early as 6 a.m. on weekends to start work wasn't really how I planned to start the holidays. But they say there's only so much you can plan. Clash of time meant that I had to give in to the requests of other students to use the facilities in UPM at the time of their preferences. Thus, the only possible way for me to complete the job was to start work as early as 6.30 a.m. and rush to UPM right after for the secondary processes. I know, how rajin right?

I've yet to cross out Study for Automation & Robotics Test and Find Information on Micro Hydro from my to-do list. To tell you the truth, the thought of procrastinating had occurred but once along the way. But that was before I realized it's already Friday today! Haha... Lepas tu boleh pulak terlupa ada assignment for Automation & Robotics. Fantastic ain't it!

Ok, enough with the whining... At least I've already completed most of the work. And I still had my fair share of leisure. Boleh la tu, dapat beli baju sehelai for next week's Graduation Night.... I'm sure it will be a memorable event. Unfortunately this bloke doesn't have a date... Anyone? Haha... Well, stay tuned for the recap of the night! Chiow...

Only a Life Lived for Others is a Life Worthwhile

2009-01-16T10:46:00.000-08:00

Life is but a journey with a purpose. The whole meaning of it is to give it a meaning. Despite the importance of purpose, many of us are still floundering, drifting in an unknown direction. I wonder why... Maybe we're dismayed by our own fear. We're afraid to define a purpose because we might just fail to live by it. To avoid failure, we avoid having a purpose altogether. But that only makes as much sense as an ostrich "hiding" from its enemies by burying its head in the sand. If we don't stand for something, we may fall for anything. What is the purpose of living if we don't have something to live for?

Those who lead empty lives sometimes turn to bigotry and hatred for solace. So we need to be careful to choose a purpose that will help us to grow, help our potential unfold, and help us transcend our present limitations. God has created us far more superior than any other of his creations. It will only do justice if our purpose is equally as superior. Since we are only as strong as our purpose, it should be courageous and uplifting.

A life with purpose is not without effort. Toil, pain, and sweat are the birthplace of greatness. I believe in making my brief visit to this world worthwhile, in making a difference, be it small or vast. And to make that difference, I believe in bringing goodness into the lives of others. To do good even in the absence of rewards...

A Weekend in Genting

2009-01-05T06:00:00.000-08:00

It was an early start for a Saturday, my college buddies & I were already heading towards Terminal Putra LRT Station by 8 a.m. so that we could catch a bus to Genting. Turned out luck was against us, the next bus was not going to be until 11 p.m. and it had started drizzling. So we decided to climb up the hill with Hafiz's car instead, a fantastic old work horse if I might add...

After a light breakfast at Gohtong Jaya, we thought it'd be a cool idea to give the cable car a shot... So RM5.00 later we were ascending towards the city of entertainment in one of those dangling boxes. Scary shit... But fun at the same time!

Sampai atas pun still hujan! Damn it! And you know what, it didn't stop raining until it was 3 p.m., rosak plan nak main-main kat Outdoor Theme Park! Nevermind, I guess there's always a next time... We did however enjoy ourselves. The Snow World was fun, worthy of a substitute... At least I succeeded in taking my mind off of my worries, and making myself feel like a small kid again, frolicking and throwing snowballs around! =) But I enjoyed the breezy walk the most, the weather was just COOL! And the highlight of the day had to be the Bentley Continental GT we came across!

Nevermind the car, I can't even afford the NUMBER PLATE!!!

Hafiz, Helmi & Me

Helmi, Harris & Me

The Journey or The Destination?

2008-12-25T07:22:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wished that you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, to be showered with luxury from the very beginning of your existence in this world? Who am I kidding, everybody has that wish! Who wouldn't enjoy having a lavish life... Huge bungalows to retreat to, sports cars to swap around, excessive branded clothes to don... Life would just be pretty much sweeter wouldn't it?

If you were to ask me that question something like 7 years back, my answer would definitely have been a yes. I wouldn't have had a second thought if I were given an opportunity to opt for express luxury. But I guess I can see clearly now, that all the wealth in the world would mean nothing if it doesn't come from my own sweat and blood. Some people would curse the rich kids for having very fortunate lives, enjoying all the fun without having to lift a finger for it, but not I. My aunt has taught me never to envy the fortune of others, even if these people never actually earned it. I believe that the message she was trying to convey is that the journey is more valuable than the destination. To be able to look back one day and honestly say that I earn all that I have...

Ibu and Ayah, I hope you know that I am thankful for everything that you've blessed me with. We're no rich people, but what you've provided me with has been more than what I could ever ask for, considering all the less fortunate people I see around. The thing I hate the most is to burden you further. I don't wish to be like one of those rich kids who rely on their parents' money all their lives, to be living in false glory. I want to learn to narrate my own story after this. I hope I'll be able to get out of your hair soon, cause' I know that way you could both enjoy life better without having to worry about me.

Uniten Cup 08/09

2008-12-20T22:11:00.000-08:00

Team : PSV Eindhoven
Position : Reserve Striker (hahaha!)
No. : 23 (Gila nak glamour!)

PSV Eindhoven vs. Santos

Friends Have Changed... Deal With It!

2008-12-16T06:41:00.000-08:00

Friends, according to the Collin's dictionary I've just referred to, are people well known to us and regarded with affection and loyalty. The question is, would they still be called friends if they deviate from the definition that I've just stated?

Friends change over time, that is just inevitable. Back then when we were close, it seemed as if that bond was going to last a long time. But now things have changed. The laughs and cries we shared together seem like a distant memory. The hand that you would gladly reach for help in the past has now deemed to be useless in your pursuit towards the upper end of the ladder. And a simple gesture to acknowledge my "hello's" would now bring the same meaning as "a waste of time" in your dictionary.

But it's ok. Maybe I have changed as well. Nonetheless, I will try my best not to offend the few friends I have left. To friends of the past, I will hold on to the memories that we have together, so that when the day comes when you would need this hand again, those memories will give me a reason to gladly offer it to you... Take care.

FYP 2: Dreadful Tasks

2008-12-16T01:30:00.000-08:00

It has already been 2 and a half weeks since I started this semester, but my FYP Logbook has yet to include new updates. Gosh! It couldn't have been a more sluggish of a start. As mentioned I've managed to acquire some help from our neighbouring university, UPM. A thousand thank you's to Dr. H'ng Paik San of the Forestry Faculty who has kindly agreed to help with the fabrication of my specimens. The next problem would be to find the carbon fiber cloth. RaceCraft has given me a bit of hope when I called them earlier, saying that they will get back to me with the details.

Hopefully everything goes well so I could start the fabrication by the beginning of next week. I can afford no delays anymore, if I am at all to submit Progress Report 3 by the 16th of next month. Let us all pray...

My New Toy : Casio Exilim EX-Z80

2008-12-13T08:07:00.000-08:00

I figured I might need a camera for general use, also for work use in the near future. So what the heck, since PC Fair is here, I might as well invest in something useful when it's cheap. After reading plenty of reviews, I've decided to burn my cash on this baby! The slim Casio Exilim EX-Z80 which packs in impressive features...

Features:

8.1 Megapixel Resolution
2.6 Inch LCD
3x Optical Zoom
Easy Mode
Best Shot
Auto Shutter
Face Detection
Movie Button
Drag and Drop Videos into iTunes

Summary of The Past One Week or so...

2008-12-10T07:05:00.000-08:00

Ten days of absence due to one single reason, my life has been nothing but dull for the past one week or so... Nothing much had happened in school, except for the trouble of trying to get resources for my FYP, which is already behind schedule. Thank God I've managed to secure a connection with the Forestry Faculty of UPM, for the future use of equipments and further assistance. Nothing much had happened outside school either. No exciting outings, no new girls to hang out with (haha!), and definitely no short vacations, which I have been longing for for the past couple of years!

I guess everybody needs to get serious at this stage of life. Sacrificing for the better good. How it gets on my nerves when some people can just afford to fool around.... Takpalah, hari ni hari diorang, mana tau esok-lusa hari kita pula... =)

The Last Battle

2008-11-30T06:16:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow would be the first day of my last semester in Uniten, the beginning of the end. I guess time really flies. I can still remember the beginning of my years here in uni, when everyone was all so excited about the intriguing varsity life ahead. Friendship grew among strangers, just like that. Everything was new, and we were all enjoying every new bit of experience we had come across. I can even remember the first day of school, when KN and I got lost trying to find a particular building. And so he randomly went up to this girl (we know now that her name is Mushira), to ask for directions. Haha, I guess back then everyone was a new friend...

The "TAKDIR" Gang

Well, I better get myself prepped up for the semester ahead. Another round of the roller-coaster ride of stress and fun, sad and joy... Wish me luck people, it's going to be my last battle. Mum and Dad, I'll try to do my very best... InsyaAllah

Note: Apparently I didn't screw up my turbomachinery that badly after all! Alhamdulillah...

Run Baby Run

2008-11-25T07:11:00.000-08:00

Often when I'm stuck in a situation where I know that I'm bound to hurt someone, I run away. I wonder if it's becoming a trend for me. Maybe I'm starting to doubt myself, the extent to which I'm capable of making someone happy. Or maybe I'm just scared of being disappointed, some would say I'm so simple that I'm difficult.

Over the past few years I can say that being in a relationship has never worked well for me. Actually I don't mind the idea of being single. In fact most of the time I'm happier this way, not having to worry about attending to the emotions of a partner. I admit, sometimes it's nice to have a companion to share affections. But when things get tangled up between her wants and my responsibilities, that's when the whole idea seems like a nuisance.

Maybe I'm no good with relationships now. But secretly I'm hoping that the right girl would come along the way to prove me wrong, to show me what it really means. I'm so worried about becoming the saviour for everyone else, maybe I'm the one who actually needs one...

Melayu Kini

2008-11-22T09:09:00.000-08:00

"Takkan Melayu hilang di dunia"... satu ungkapan yang popular dan biasa kita dengari, asalnya daripada kata-kata pahlawan Melayu termasyhur kita, Laksamana Hang Tuah. Satu ungkapan yang melambangkan kemasyhuran dan kegemilangan bangsa Melayu sebagai penghuni usul tanah air ini. Melayu, satu bangsa yang tidak akan kalah atau mundur.

Tapi apa pula kata Tun Dr. Mahathir? "Melayu mudah lupa"... satu sindiran yang sepatutnya telah membuka mata anak bangsa kita untuk mula berusaha dengan lebih gigih demi mencapai kemajuan. Namun, segolongan besar daripada kita masih lagi mengendahkan kata-kata tersebut. Sedih apabila ku lihat anak-anak muda kita suka membuang masa. Juga mereka yang enggan berusaha untuk memperbaiki diri, dan mereka yang tidak menghargai kesenangan yang ada. Kemungkinan besar mereka tidak sedar yang ia adalah satu tanggungjawab atau satu amanah untuk kita terus berusaha ke arah kemajuan, dan bukannya satu keistimewaan. Melayu kini sudah lupa, dan kita mula tenggelam dalam angan-angan kita sendiri. Tidak ada gunanya walau segala keistimewaan diberikan kepada bangsa kita, kalau kita sendiri enggan menukar mentaliti kita.

Who Was Right & Who Was Wrong?

2008-11-22T03:24:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, I used to love reading the tales of our (Malay) legendary warriors, one particularly being the folk story of Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat. I was watching this story of Hang Tuah last night, with the legendary hero played by P. Ramlee, and suddenly the memories of my childhood came rushing back.

When I first read about the legend, like every other kid who did, I idolized Tuah for being the ultimate champion of Malay loyalty, chivalry and obedience to tradition. Tuah represented that absolute loyalty - and the streak of loyalty to the ruler that ran deep in the Malay psyche. If there were three things important to the Malay of old, they were loyalty to the ruler, loyalty to the religion and 'adat', and the accompanying sets of values that come with them. However later on I began to understand Jebat a bit better, his sacrifice to fight injustice and cruelty. To others, Jebat may represent that consequence of breaching a fragile covenant, to me he was simply misunderstood.

Tuah might be the hero of many, for having portrayed the absolute loyalty to his ruler. But in reality, like the flaws reflected by the actions of Jebat, his actions were also actually far from idealistic.

Tuah took loyalty to the point of blind servility, a trade I have never agreed with. According to the Hikayat Hang Tuah, even before the incident where the Sultan had ordered his execution, there was an occasion where Tuah was actually exiled by the Sultan to Inderapura. There Tuah took it upon himself to kidnap Tun Teja Menggala, the Bendahara's daughter, knowing that the Sultan lusted after her. Through bribes and deceptions, he succeeded in bringing Tun Teja to Melaka and presented her to his ruler. The Sultan was so pleased, he pardoned Tuah and promoted him to the rank of Laksmana. His loyalty to his Sultan evidently superseded any ethical considerations. Nonetheless, he was my hero for his absolute obedience, and for always trying to do the the right thing, even if it meant going against his own will.

To me, Jebat is the symbol of true friendship, courage and justice. He stood against a ruler who practiced injustice and cruelty, to avenge the death of his dearest friend. The flaw to his noble intention was reflected when he went in a rampage at the royal palace, in anguish to the injustice done to his friend. He later found out that Tuah was still alive, but the joy at seeing his dearest friend brought to life turned to despair when his friend lunged at him with a keris, declaring his loyalty to the Sultan and hatred for traitors. In the ensuing clash, Jebat was wounded by Tuah. He later went amok for three days, killing thousands of innocent people until he finally died in Tuah's arms. Of course it would be absurd for me to think that it was right for him to slaughter innocent people, but perhaps he was raging over the fact that the sole reason for his treachery, had turned against him.

So who was right, and who was wrong?

My All New Subaru Blue Room

2008-11-17T07:34:00.000-08:00

Oh boy! Feels like my spine is about to fracture into a million pieces! My limbs are literally dangling right now. I just finished painting every nook and cranny of my room... all on my own! Who would've thought that such a tiny room would require that much work...

Started cleaning my "after-tornado" room at noon yesterday, took half a day just to clear up all the mess. The bed, the book shelves, and the work desk had all been moved about to give more space for the "special operation" =P. Painting begun at 11.00p.m. and I retired at around 2.00 a.m. That was just for 1 and a half walls! Woke up at 10.00 this morning and went straight to work after a bath and a breakfast. Guess what time I finished everything... 8.00p.m.! Gave up on the cleaning as I can hardly move... So I guess that will have to wait till tomorrow morning! =D

Here's my all new "Subaru Blue" room...

The Jackass Club

2008-11-14T08:27:00.000-08:00

If you happen to be a male, welcome to The Jackass Club! Each and every one of us is a jackass by default. Trust me, no matter how hard you try to be the sweetest thing to your better half, or try to do things the most righteous of ways, at the end of the day if things don't turn out the way she had hoped, you'll always end up as the jackass!

I admit I've done plenty of wrongs in the past, I was a foolish kid who lacked maturity. But I believe I've grown much wiser ever since, and I've tried to always look before I leap. I can't afford to face the consequences of big mistakes anymore, not at the expense of my responsibilities. But somehow most of my recent encounters with the opposite sex ended up with me being the jackass! WHY??? I haven't the slightest of idea...

Due to the repercussions that I'm not willing to face, I have decided to exclude the examples of the situations. But keep in mind that everything I did for you (the people who in any way have been involved with me), I did it out of sincerity. And I never meant to hurt or displease anybody. In fact all I've done was try to do the right thing and make you happy. But I guess when God says I have to be wrong, then I have to be wrong...

Screwed Sideways by Turbomachinery

2008-11-06T07:05:00.001-08:00

My turbomachinery paper yesterday screwed me up pretty badly. It wasn't as smooth as I previously thought it would be. Actually the paper wasn't all that tough, but because we all had only so much exposure on answering such questions, it turned out to be a disaster. If that weren't bad enough, I managed to add on some silly mistakes here and there! Damn it!

The part that kills me is that some of my mates had gotten a bit luckier than I had, despite the fact that they rarely studied. And to top that off, I was the one who helped them with the subject before! Icing on the cake, just perfect...

*Sigh*

It's ok, I'm going to look at this as half glass full. I've always believed that one measure of a man is how he bounces back from failures. I'll keep on burning the midnight oil if I have to. I guess some of us who weren't born with genius brains have to work harder as a substitute.

p/s: Ayah, please don't be mad if I don't score ya? =P

The Strive For Glory

2008-10-31T02:11:00.000-07:00

I beg to differ from the rest. The maturity has began to kick in, and I feel it's an obligation to strive for the best. I have the chance of proving to others that I too, can achieve greatness. To be more than merely a competent person. Failures in the past have only taught me to be stronger, for the many obstacles that I will face in the future. I will stand firm and fight against all odds to realize my dreams.

I'm laying all my cards on the table now. The truth is I have been rescued by luck too many a time. But I refuse to take things for granted anymore, I want to earn this... InsyaAllah

GOTCHA! From The Future...

2008-10-25T22:40:00.000-07:00

Albert Einstein's theory of relativity states that there is no difference between the past and the future in the 4-dimensional space-time-world. The present is only an illusion. But if time is a one-way street as we assume it to be, and if you could just theoretically travel through it, which one time would you want to visit? Back into a certain past, or forward into an uncertain future?

I have always wondered how life was back then, when my dad was around my age. I think it'd be really awkward seeing him that young... Like Back To The Future! LOL! Sometimes the tales we hear aren't as accurate as the reality itself. We all know stories change through time, some might just be for the better. If my dad says he never skipped class when he was in school, I know he's lying! =P I think it'd be interesting to just see how he was back then... Was he as virtuous as he says he was? Was he all that righteous that he didn't commit any of the mistakes that we do when we're young? You know your parents never tell the complete truth about the wrongs they'd done in the past...

Every guy was once young and foolish, and I bet my dad was just like most of us when he was young. Tried to act all tough and look all cool to the ladies... Fooled around with nonsense, just to fit in with the crowd... Struck by a dreadful spell of laziness during exam seasons... Kene marah dengan bapak/mak sebab asyik keluar enjoy sampai result exam teruk! Come on dad! The apple can't fall too far from the tree! =P If I could only meet him then, I'd say "You don't know me yet, but GOTCHA!"

So, which one time would you choose? =D

The Angel I Knew

2008-10-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

She was always there, for as long as I can remember. The person who taught me the meaning of unconditional love and compassion. She would've done anything just to carve a smile on my face. I don't remember even once, of her ever denying any of my wishes. She would pamper me with anything that I ever wanted, and take me to any place that i ever desired.

She was my shelter, a place where I would always feel safe. Coming from a broken home at an age so young wasn't the fairy tale every kid dreamed of. I may not have understood much, but emotionally I was affected. But she was there, to comfort me, to distract me from my sorrows. She stood against others who would blame her for spoiling me, because deep inside she had always known that I needed her.

She was always the first person that I would look for, to share my joy whenever I did well in studies, and to share my excitement whenever I fell in love with something new. She was always the first person to be there, whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on, and whenever I needed someone to listen to my complains... She was always the first...

To my dearest grandma, I have always loved you, and I will always do. From the first time I laid my eyes upon you, until the time I won't be able to open them again. You brought me happiness, gave me the reason to be good. Eventhough you are not here anymore, the memories of you will always be with me.

Nenek, I've missed you...

~Al-Fatihah~

Trinity RB

2008-10-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

Last semester I took a course called Mechanical Design Processes. This course taught us the basic procedures taken to design a successful product. Careful planning had to be done, as well as proper documentations throughout the entire process.

First and foremost we had to study the market needs. Then we had to evaluate them in order to be able to generate concepts. After concept generation, a process called benchmarking would then take place, where we compare the pro's and con's of the design against existing models. The best concept would be chosen. With a few modifications to further meet the demands, and voila! It's done! The rest is just the boring process of producing paperwork. Costs, Bill of Materials, technical drawings, etc.

In my semester the lecturers decided for us to design a human powered vehicle, as a healthier solution to the problem of fuel price hike. It was supposed to be sleek, fast, and equipped with compartments.

This was what I came up with. I call it the Trinity RotorBlade...

Trinity RB

I even made the lecturer laugh his ass off during the presentation by attempting a humour and coming up with this other version:

Trinity RB Carbon Fiber Edition

The Journey In Between

2008-10-19T01:46:00.000-07:00

Take a look at the kid above. Who would've thought he'd be all grown up now. Time passed by, year by year, altering the definition of who he is. The science is simple, everyone was once born, then they live, and in the end they die. What makes it interesting is the journey in between.

According to his uncles and aunties, he was a perky kid when he was small. And he used to be very inquisitive about every little bit of things. I guess he must've driven people up the wall with his questions... And God knows how much he loved to draw, mostly pictures of his favourite superheroes. I remember he once cried because his father said his Batman was fat! Haha... Came primary school he became a very shy person. Until he got used to the people around him, he wasn't very talkative. Girls terrified him the most. Gosh! You wouldn't even want to know what happened when he had his first crush in primary! =P

High school was a different story. As usual, similar to everyone else, he had to get used to the new environment. He was just one of those faceless kids. Tried to follow the crowd, did what everyone else was doing. All in all, he had a normal teenage life - crazed about yoyo's at one certain point of time and basketball at another, had his first girlfriend when he was 15, made some really long lasting friends, and so on... Interesting enough, he did fairly good in his studies. So he was contented with most things. To live in his own world, fenced by his oblivion to the real one.

Once he graduated high school, he worked for a couple of months in Gloria Jeans KLCC. That was when he started to understand the meaning of hardship. He learned to do most things on his own, worked late nights and all... That was until he had to go back to school!

Entering Form 6 in Victoria Institution wasn't what he desired in the first place. But he's thankful to his father for choosing the right path for him. Cause' he learned a lot about survival, making the right choice of companies around him. Eventhough he got himself into minor troubles here and there, the mistakes he had committed moulded him into the person he is today. All those while he thought luck was always going to be on his side. But in the end, it wasn't to be. He didn't do as well as in high school, that finally stripped the arrogance off of him and made him realize he was a mere mortal.

College life was at first very intriguing, a fresh new start. The feeling of being independent while staying outside, the freedom from being monitored, he felt more like a grownup. He had his fair share of fun, sometimes even too much that he almost flung a paper. Made some great friends along the way, some stuck till today... I guess it taught him to enjoy all the things that he did, every bit of it. Cause' good things are not meant to last, but the memories of them are. In year three, he began to realize that his age is catching up with him. So he's been trying to act more responsibly ever since. Got his act together and has been performing well again, syukur...

Here he is today, a 23 year old Bachelor in Mechanical Engineering (Hons.) final year student of Universiti Tenaga Nasional. Yours truly...

FYP 1 Presentation (Done)

2008-10-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

Phew! Such a relief that it's the end of the week again... My legs are aching cause' of the crawl I was stuck in earlier. Maklumlah, kereta transmisi manual... =P The jam was horrible throughout the entire stretch of Jln Tun Razak. I think if it were to continue raining every evening like it did, I'll be developing a herculean left leg by next week! =P

Final Year Project Presentation went ok I guess, with a few hiccups here and there. The other panels were cool, but my supervisor was suddenly possessed when it came to her students' turn to present. And so the blows came unexpectedly. Q&A session became a nightmare for us. It was worse for some of my peers who had to listen to her music... Don't get me wrong. I understand that she just had to be a bit firm then, so that we don't take presentations lightly.

At least one battle is over with. It's now time to plan ahead on how I'm going to approach the upcoming finals. Fatigue is slowly catching up with me, but I think now is even more the time to prove myself again. So wish me luck!

Typical Malaysians

2008-10-14T06:45:00.000-07:00

I'm guessing that some Malaysians were just naturally born with defects in their genes. Cause I can't seem to figure out why they are always oblivious to all the good values or ethics taught throughout their entire lives... Some would just act idiotically, when in fact they never even came close to their initial intention of looking 'cool'! It annoys me even more when those idiots try to act smart!

Here are some of the conclusions I've drawn about those bunch of retards (most of them involve car drivers!):

1) Some Malaysians actually think that the signal lights that come equipped with their cars are 'accessories'! Why bother wasting your time signalling when you can just zip in and out between lanes right? Let's just worry about it later if you hit a motorcyclist and he flies across your windshield right? Please people, signal lights were invented to serve a certain purpose. Make use of them!

2) Most of Malaysian road users are fantastic spectators when it comes to accidents! Everybody slows down to just watch the wrecked cars that have been pushed aside. A moment of remorse for everybody as they catch a glimpse of what might be. It's not like they're even lifting a single finger to help, yet they're causing a crawl that stretches 10 miles away. Imagine if an ambulance is caught in the bumper-to-bumper, carrying with it a dying man... Worse still, not even 10 metres away from the accident and they transform back to their speed demon alter-egos.

3) When it's raining hard like nobody's business, some innovative drivers try to put their driving know-hows into action by blinking the hazard lights. Yea sure, everone can see you from a mile away. Don't you know hazard lights are meant to notify others that your car is static? Don't you think it would confuse others if you put them on when you're still on the move, causing them to apply sudden unnecessary brake that might just cause an accident? Be considerate people...

4) Certain group of people show absolutely no courtesy when others lend them a hand. For example, I held the door for this 'gentleman', just to be a good samaritan. I'd be contented with just a smile or a nod, but no... He had to pull a long face, and walk away without even acknowledging the guy who was nice enough to hold the door for him! As if he's a real big shot and I'm somebody unworthy of even the slightest of his gratitude... Correct me if I'm wrong, but I damn well guarantee that every parent teaches his/her children to show some appreciation when helped.

Big Boys' Toys

2008-10-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

Studies have shown that men show pride via the vehicles that they own, or at least what they appear to own (bapak belikan =P). Some would say a man's car is a projection of his true personality. Can a filthy rich bugger who drives a Porche Cayman S be concluded as egoistic and a showoff? Can a guy who drives a more subtle MPV like a Toyota Estima be labeled as a responsible family man? As far as I am concerned, an absolute conclusion can never be drawn from what a man drives. Tho, I do personally think that those people who drive turbocharged Perodua Kancils without proper suspension setups, braking systems and good rubbers to hold their puny machine on the tarmac are just plain idiots! Brave, but idiots nevertheless...

The more agreed statement would be the reflection of a man's taste through his car. Have you ever come across those typical rallycar wannabe Proton Wira's with jacked up end that come equipped with huge tires? The ones that also erect GT-wings with no absolute purpose for FWD cars except for hanging wet clothes to dry? And I haven't even mentioned the gazillion aftermarket tuner stickers yet... Bear in mind that some of these cars don't even have the horsies to match their monstrous looks! Shows how tacky Malaysians can be... I bet those lads cruising on the more civilized Perodua Kelisa's can get more numbers from the chicks! I don't understand why they can't just settle with good sets of wheels and sleek bodykits to match, if they can't think of anything else to burn their money for... If power figure is the goal, shouldn't it always be complemented with safety? Like a good suspension setup and an improved braking system perhaps?

I admit that I don't yet have the money to own any of my desired machines from the previous post. But I am thankful for what my dad is lending me. Eventhough sometimes I tend to dream of ridiculously upgrading my machine, I've decided to opt out for the more responsible approach. The wiser approach. Tho hopefully someday I'll be able to own my own purpose built performance car.

"A good performance car is always built from ground up"

Here's what my dad is currently lending me:

2006 Proton Waja MME

Minor Modifications (self-made and by Proton):
1) K&N Drop-in Filter
2) R3 Exhaust System (stock Campro's low-end torque sucks!)
3) R3 Springs (still a tad too soft)
4) R3 Plug Cables
5) 17'' KII wheels (lighter than stock)
6) 205/45/17 Yokohama A-Drive R1 tires (fantastic grip on both dry and wet)
7) Pro-RS Stainless-Steel Braided Brake Hose (less spongy brake pedal)
8) AXT Turbo Brake Pads (great bites)
9) Denso Iridium spark plugs(last longer than normal copper plugs)

Dream Cars

2008-10-12T00:17:00.000-07:00

It has been imprinted in the DNA's of most guys to go crazy over cars, just like how girls go crazy over jewelleries. I've decided to make a list of my own most desirable machines, starting from the most affordable to the 'never going to be affordable'... =P

1999 Mitsubishi Evolution 6.5 TME

2007 Honda Civic Type-R JDM

2008 Mazda MX-5

2006 Subaru Imprezza S204

2009 Lotus Evora

2009 BMW M3

2009 ABT Audi AS4

2009 Mercedes SL65 AMG Black Series

2008 Porche 911 GT2

Incarcerated Within The Walls I Built Myself

2008-10-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to think that subconsciously I've created walls around me. Walls that are meant to keep me away from disappointments. In a way, I believe that the past is responsible for evoking the fear I have inside. The fear of not being able to meet up with expectations, the fear of being judged for a single mistake, the fear of becoming a disappointment. I don't want to be afraid anymore, I want to believe and to hope again.

Maybe it's time for me to bring those walls down, time to get out of this comfort zone and start living. Maybe it's time for me to manifest the dreams that have been incarcerated in my head all this while...

Thank God It's Friday

2008-10-10T00:46:00.000-07:00

It has been a week since I last wrote anything. Thank God it's Friday, the idea of having a weekend ahead is like a breath of fresh air. Time to unwind and enjoy a cup of good old black coffee with Zay-D!

I haven't really got the time to do anything the whole week, aside from completing assignments and projects, and toiling for my Electro-mechanical Systems Test 2. Next week would be a whole different story, a new set of game I would say... haha. I guess life just doesn't get any easier. But it wouldn't be that interesting if it does, now would it? =P

The weekends ahead of Raya would definitely mean a full schedule of open houses! So tomorrow's destination would be Ewat's house in Seremban. I'm pretty sure this time I'll run out of that charm to collect duit raya! But it's ok, I bet the food is going to be fantastic! =D Sunday I might be dropping by an old friend's house. I haven't got the slightest of idea where she lives. But since Ali said he might be going to check out the chicks, I thought it wouldn't hurt! Haha...

Well, before I leave, here is a picture taken last week during the first few days of Raya...

~At Alia's place~

Top: Alia, Dida, Zufer

Bottom: Ilias, Mayon, Irfan

Dah Besar Panjang Pun Dapat Duit Raya?!

2008-10-01T09:56:00.001-07:00

LOL! Those were the words that came out from my auntie's mouth...

My Hari Raya this year started off quite slow. I didn't get any sleep last night, so everything felt sluggish from the beginning. After a hot cup of coffee, in an attempt to keep myself awake, I took off to my grandma's grave carrying a copy of Yasin and a bottle of water. I managed to find a parking spot and went straight in. That was at 7.20 a.m. Halfway in, my father called saying he was also there. Finding my grandma's lot was a nightmare, since the numberings were all over the place. At about 8.00 a.m. we finally found it, and yes, it was that long. After a half hour spent, we went off seperately.

I decided to drop by my Atok's house to change into my Baju Melayu and headed straight to the surau. Guess what! I was late! The surau was already crammed with fellow muslims. The prayer started without me being able to join. It was saddening but I stayed there until everything was over. It felt better when I contributed what little I have to the charity of the surau.

Realizing that one of my tires was out of air, I made a visit to the Petronas nearby to get it fixed. Berpeluh-peluh la jugak orang cakap! Then it was straight back to my Atok's house. Every year we never failed to perform our tradition of beraya - the act of begging for forgiveness. And so it started out with my auntie to my Atok, followed by my dad and so on... It ends with the youngest.

The events that took place after that were somewhat similar every year. Friends of the family came and visited, kids came for duit raya, and so on... But somehow to me something felt missing, I wasn't at ease since the day started. I thought I was just not getting enough sleep, so I went back home late in the afternoon and dozed off. After waking up, I took a bath before going downstairs. My ibu was on the couch watching TV. I haven't seen her the whole day since she and my younger siblings had to go visit the other side of the family's houses. After the first glance of her, it suddenly hit me! I didn't even get the chance to beraya with her! And so I got down on my knees and begged her to forgive me for all my wrongdoings. She gave a kiss on my forehead. Only then, I was at ease...

I went back to my Atok's house, this time with ibu. My siblings joined in later with a troop of uncles and aunties. We spent most of the raya evening there as was done in the previous years. Ate laksa at my uncle's house across, then ate soto back at my Atok's - a ritual accustomed to the family.

This has been the story of my Hari Raya 2008. Surprisingly, I still had enough charm left to collect duit raya! ;-P

Things Have Changed

2008-09-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

I wonder why things had to change between us. We were as close as siblings, a sincere bond from the beginning. I never craved for anything more than your friendship, but recently it seemed too big of a burden. I never intended to steal your attention away from him. Maybe I just wished you were there for me as I have sincerely been there for you.

Do you remember you once said "I don't like the person that you are when you're with her"? Now I know exactly what you meant. I realize that this might be the price we have to pay for being good friends with the opposite sex. Understand that I mean you no offence. I wish you the best if things will never be the same again.

Hari Raya Aidil Fitri

2008-09-29T15:53:00.000-07:00

Today would be the last day of Ramadhan, the last day of puasa for us muslims. Tomorrow would mark the first day of Syawal, the day we celebrate Hari Raya Aidil Fitri after a full month of fasting.

The joy of celebrating this festive day I have felt for many years. But as I grow older, the meaning of the day gradually changes. When I was a kid, the thought of getting duit raya and wearing new baju melayu painted the whole idea of Hari Raya. Not to mention the eve when all of the cousins would gather at my grandma's house to play bunga api!

Now, I have aged in such a way that this day would bring a whole different meaning. I just feel blessed to be able to celebrate the day with my family and friends. I'm thankful for the comfort of living that God has blessed us with. The serenity I feel every raya morning, the visit to my grandma's grave, the Aidil Fitri prayers, the beg for forgiveness, the visit to relatives' and friends' houses - my definition of joy during Hari Raya.

To all my fellow muslims who will be reading this, I wish you Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri and Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Beginning of a New Journey

2008-09-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

Here marks my first entry into the world of blogging. I was recently moved by what a friend had to say about issues he currently faces. Hence, this humble attempt to voice out my own thoughts about certain happenings. The same thoughts that have been bottled up all this while.

To be honest, since I was young I was not taught to express myself the way most of us do. I hardly shared my problems with anyone, nor did I have anyone to lend me a shoulder. Probably the reason why sometimes I find it hard to communicate, to spill the words that reflect the thoughts in my head. All this while I have told myself that I was just built that way. Contrary to that, I am now beginning to teach myself to communicate better, to learn to understand others, and to let them understand who and what I really am.

I may appear to be loud at times, goofing around and cracking jokes here and there. But only a few people would know what really dwells within. This blog may be my modest way of reaching out to others, but at least I believe those thoughts are being heard somewhere.